start of something new?

so last week i:

-graduated high school
-said goodbye to the kids that i absolutely adore
-realized it was getting closer to the time somebody i LOVED was moving forever.
-realized that the BLESS apt, (my favorite hangout place EVER for the last year and half), was ending. everyone is going away.
-said goodbye to more people than i've ever said goodbye to in my life.

I don't have any idea WHAT God is doing. On the plus side, I haven't cried. at all. YET. haha. Well actually, I dont know if thats good. I think I have hardened my heart and not made myself vulnerable to love. If i was more vulnerable, i'd be in way more pain than I am right now. But my heart is cold, and although everything is changing and i'm gonna miss all these people, i'm not feeling ANY emotions right now. I think after I lost half my family a few years back.. I was so vulnerable.. and it hurt me SO much. After that, I didn't open up to people as much as before, for the fear of getting hurt again.

I know I need to trust God.. and at this point.. that's a scary thought. He is literally taking so much away from me right now. Like with the family thing.. it ended up working for the good. He was there with me the entire way. I dont know. I am excited, but also scared. a lot. and the whole going to YWAM issue is driving me insane. will i raise enough money? will i even get to go? what will it be like? is it gonna be really hard? will i be wishing i was home the entire time im there? what if i dont go? what will i do if i dont???

today being the.. umm.. 2nd day of summer.. I'm beginning to realize something new is about to start. like a new chapter in my life. im just really hoping I dont lose sight of what really matters.. and start rejoicing more in Him.