Total Surrender.

I've been thinking about this a lot and I really just wanna FULLY surrender my life to Christ. I know i've attempted to do this multiple times in my life.. but it never follows through. I know why. I'm not really giving Him my everything. Just a large portion. But the truth is there's more. I need to give Him more. Like.. everything. LOL. Wow i'm just going in a circle. I apologize, my thoughts are all over the place haha. Get over it!! :]

I'm really struggling with sin. Like, there is certain sin in my life that I reallyyyyy wanna get rid of, but its kinda still there, and as much as I want it to go.. it doesn't. I've asked for forgiveness plenty of times. But its to a point where I just feel fake. That just makes me feel even WORSE.

This week at church we're doing a prayer night, every night. 6:30-8:00. I went today. Ironically, our pastor decided to start the week off with just a night of repentance. I thought 'oh yes. PERFECT. i need this... bad.'

so first we start off by praying and just personally asking God to forgive us. I do that. BUT, I just feel fake about my little prayer. Its the worst feeling, ever:/

THEN he says i'm leaving this mic up here. if any of you feel like you need to confess your sins to the church and have us pray for you. then come up. it definitely is gonna take a lot of humility.. let the Spirit lead you..

so a few people go up. most confess their sin. they're bawling though. their heart is broken. they realize how nasty their sin is and they confess it. they give it to God.

my friend looks at me and says.. hm do you wanna go up together and confess our anxiety? and I FREEZE. no way am I gonna go up in front of everyone and confess that. but HA there's another sin.. PRIDE. sadly i didn't overcome it, and my friend ended up going by herself. when she was up there she lost it. she came back and was just broken. she knew the depth of this sin, and how much it was destroying her, but she wanted to fix it. so bad that she knew she had to humble herself and CONFESS. not just to God but to the church. let me just say that she felt a lot better after, and i have a lot of confidence she wont be dealing with too much anxiety anymore. :)

but back to me and my stupidness. i didn't confess. i was prideful. i was fake. i didn't really understand how dirty all my sins are. dont get me wrong, i wanted to so bad! i asked God to break my heart sooo many times for these rotten sins, but He kinda just didn't. I ended up leaving not knowing whether or not God's really forgiven me.

because just maybe, my prayers were fake. they're BEEN fake. and im confessing it now. in this blog. i don't ever know who reads it but there you are. this breaks me and i don't know what else to do about it.

please keep me in your prayers. i KNOW something good will come out of this.

love you guys.

-monique